A Chinese Girlfriend?

This is one of those weird days where nothing turns out the way you think, but it turns out to be a fun day. Earlier I had intended to do some tree trimming, but the weather being what it was along with me realizing that I really wasn't ready to do the deed (had the saw, but nothing else). Instead I loaded up my new raft and took it for a spin around Lake Arlington.

I called my friend, Yizong, and let him know that my craft passed its trials, and he decided to come down and have a look. After I docked at the park we took time to do a a little talking, It had been several weeks since I'd seen him, and we had a few things to chew over.

In the course of our conversation he asked me once again if I'd like to have a Chinese girlfriend. Apparently he knows of a graduate student who has been here six years working on some sort of engineering degree. As usual, I hesitated. In fact I'm sure I recoiled, and it was probably obvious, even though I try to hide it. I just don't have interest in having a girlfriend from another country.

Why do I recoil? I've thought about that quite a bit. One of the questions I asked myself is, am I a racist? To some extent, we all are, and I'd like to think that I'm not any more of a racist than the next person. But racism doesn't have anything to do with it for me. It does for my parents.

I've discussed dating and relationships with my dad on several occasions, and he has told me the same thing each time. Joe, if you bring home anything other than a white girl, I'll disown you. He openly admits his racism in this circumstance, and the kicker is, he's got a good reason for it. Being in a cross-cultural or cross-race relationship is a tricky business, or at least it was before I made it to college. If a white man walked in with a black girl, there were plenty of people that would shrink back from them and give them a questioning look.

That attitude, I believe, has changed somewhat, but maybe only in location. Here in the metroplex I see black guys with white girls, asian girls with white guys, black/mexican, mexican/asian, white/mexican and a slew of other mixes. So why do I recoil?

Part of it has to do with background. I don't expect whomever I meet to have the same background as me, but I would hope that we have some things in common. But if the backgrounds are disparate enough, then I would anticipate major rifts in the relationship. Here's an example:

When I was working as a TA in school, I had to be extra vigilant on cheating when it came to Indian students. Did I have anything against Indians? No. They are some of the nicest people I've ever met. But their culture is one of community property and open sharing. Their attitude towards cheating was completely different than the standard applied in US schools, and it came as quite a shock to some students when they were told that homework and tests were individual efforts, and sharing was not permitted.

That's the kind of cultural thing I would have trouble dealing with.

Now I'm sure that if someone ever reads this blog, they'll stop at this entry and label me a racist. If so, then so be it. I can provide much evidence of self-segregation and racial preference without any problem. But let me pose a question:

What should the standard be for Christians looking for a permanent, monogamous relationship? Shouldn't it be only a mutual background in Christianity? I'd like to think so, but somehow I don't think it's the case. Does that make us bad Christians, in that while we have mutual respect for one another, we wouldn't consider marrying a Christian person of another race? I think this question is truly minor in the overall scheme of things, but it's an interesting point to consider.

What Do You Get When You Search For Single Christian?

Tonight, during some downtime, I Googled the term "single christian." I wanted to see if my blog would come up. It didn't, but then I didn't expect it would. What did come up wasn't too surprising, but it was a little disappointing.

At the top of Google's search results page are sponsored links. They were: Single Christian (www.loveandseek.com), Christian Dating (www.ichurch.com), and Top Christian Dating Site (www.zoosk.com/christian_dating). Along the side were more sponsored links. Some of those were eharmony.com, matchmaker.com, and chemistry.com with some others mixed in.

The top ten results fell out like this:

1. Christian dating service
2. Christian dating advice
3. Christian dating service
4. Topical sermon called "The Single Christian"
5. Christian dating service
6. Christian dating service
7. Christian dating service
8. Single Christian blog?
9. Christian dating advice
10. Christian dating service

Online dating services are generally shams. I'll write about my experiences with eHarmony in another post. As such, I'll bypass talking about dating services save to point out that of the top ten results listed, six of the ten, or 60% are geared to the online dating scene.

Site number 2 appears to be a sub page of a main site that deals with Christianity in general, but the single article that interested me was nothing more than a mishmash of Christianity compared to the world. No real resources for being a single Christian there--unless you want to STAY single!

Site number 4 is a sermon outline. It has a couple of interesting points, but no real resources other than the standard generalities of a sermon.

Site number 8 I couldn't look at due to the security we have at work.

Site number 9 is a site sponsored by about.com. I'm generally not a big fan of general information sites like these usually because they aren't written by experts, and usually not Christian experts when it deals with Christian subjects.

I think these search results are a pretty sad commentary on the condition of Christianity, singles, and deviousness. When the majority of the links that come up are dating service links, it says to me that there are a lot of Christian singles who don't want to stay that way who are being preyed upon by businesses offering to take their money in exchange for... what? As I said, I'll get back to that in another post. The other four don't really provide anything except stale platitudes that don't really help a Single Christian do anything except wonder if they shouldn't stay single. It's all pretty dismal.

Made It Through Another Tornado

This was one of those really weird days. This afternoon we had a minor deluge from a rainstorm, and inside that rainstorm was some sort of mini tornado. It was fairly surreal. I and some coworkers were in our break room watching the rain come down. It was coming down sideways. Then it switched around and started hitting our window head on before finally ending up raining sideways the other way around. Another colleague was watching it in another part of the building, and he was saying that it was indeed major rotation, and that he and those watching with him could see it move across the street into other businesses.

When I drove home tonight, it was clear that it was some sort of tornadic activity. There were tree limbs down all over parking lots, and some of the limbs had been broken in several places. One or two parking lots had sections of fence down, but thankfully nothing major was blocking my way home, and I made it to my bariatric support group with no major difficulties.

Would that this search was as easy. It has been a tornado of a journey finding a new church so far, and there has been some damage along the way (before I launched this blog). Right now I'm in a little bit of a safe harbor, but am I at my final destination? I just don't know. One person yesterday opined that I should stop here and stay awhile, and that dating shouldn't be a big thing. Unfortunately, for me it is.

That's been one of the hardest things I've struggled with in the course of this church search. God is supposed to be first. Everything else is supposed to be secondary. I'd like to think there is a place I can fit where I can do both, but maybe I'm setting my sights too high. All I know is I'm sick and tired of being lonely.

The Dilemma

Ok, I'm three churches into the project and I've found one that I kinda like.

Up Sides
Nice people (at least the ones I've met)
Conservative
Matches a lot of my political leanings
Likes guns
Have a singles group
Close to home

Down Sides
Small
No datable women (that I've observed)
Baptist paradigm

In summary, I could very easily stay here and feel comfortable politically, and I think I would feel comfortable spiritually. But I haven't really noticed anything available in terms of single datable women. There were a handful of high school and junior high types yesterday, but not really anything past that. Of the three candidates I met, one is returning to school in California, one is moving to Maine, and the third already has a boyfriend. Add to that my estimate that I'm probably 8-10 years older than all three of them, it makes it difficult to justify staying if I'm searching for a wife.

And that's the real dilemma. I called this blog "In Search of the Single Christian" because I'm looking for that one person with whom I'll spend the rest of my life. This church would probably fulfill the first criteria I set for this project, having a singles group. But I'm dubious whether it would fulfill the second, namely having an available dating pool. There seem to be two schools of thought on this subject. One says just stay still, quit looking, and someone will find you. The "Christian" viewpoint seems to be just wait, and God will lead that person to you. The second says if you don't get out and look, you'll never find anything at all, with the "Christian" viewpoint being: God will lead you to the right person.

I really can't reconcile the two. Am I or am I not supposed to be engaged in an active search for a wife? I can't even come up with a good Biblical answer. The Bible says right up front that it is not good for a man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). but Paul says it's good not to marry (I Corinthians 7). That is, if a person can control him or herself. I think it would be fairly obvious to anyone who has met me that I have self control issues--that's why I had gastric bypass surgery in December. And I have other issues here, so it is my feeling that I should get married, but then I run into the bane of relationship advice.

"Oh Joe, don't worry. God has someone for everybody." That's the line that gets handed to me over and over, and I reject it as one of the worst lies I've ever heard! First of all, how does anyone know what God does or does not have in store for anyone??? That's arrogant presumption. Second, I think there are definitely people who should not get married under any circumstances. Am I one of those people? I would like to think not, but then I'm not God, either. I just can't reconcile myself into this situation.

What I have reconciled myself to is the concept that if I don't make myself available, then I have no shot meeting anybody. The question is: where do I go to meet this person? This blog was started on the premise that a singles group would be one place. I concede that it's not the only place, but I wouldn't know where else to start.

In the short term, my decision is a little more practical: do I keep going to this church or keep looking? Guess I've got five days to decide.

An Interesting Sunday - 2nd Visit to APBC

This was really a mixed Sunday emotionally. There were three things to experience: the singles class, the sermon, and the 4th of July cookout.

The singles class was a mixed bag. I really like Al and Kathleen. They are very nice, very caring, and what appears to me to be very strong Christians. They ran the group: providing refreshments, taking down prayer requests and praises, and leading prayer time. Even though I didn't put in a prayer request they still remembered me in the prayer (for my church search).

But they didn't teach. An older man named David did. He is (or was) a minister and a former missionary. The teaching was... interesting. It's honestly what I've come to expect from Baptist dogma, but he made a good point--one that my dad has tried to drill into my head for years: avoid the appearance of evil. The reason I say it's what I've become used to in Baptist paradigms is the usual prohibitions: no drinking, no gambling, etc. I understand the concept of avoiding the appearance of evil, but it seems that there is something missing from the concept. (And not just from this lesson, from the whole concept in general, so it's not a strictly David thing that I'm picking on here.)

Once class was done, we transitioned to the normal service. This being the 4th of July (exactly the 4th this year) the entire service was patriotic from the music to the preaching to the invitation. We did the Star Spangled Banner and sang both verses, a new concept for some people. The congregation sang Battle Hymn of the Republic, but I inserted my own verses. (I'm a Southern Dixie type.) Pretty much everything was the same this Sunday as last, except the offering boxes were replaced with plates.

What wasn't the same at all was the preaching. The pastor really got into the patriotic spirit, and there was much animation and good, loud booming words from the pulpit. The sermon was a mix. He rightly identifies that Christians in America are quickly becoming an endangered species from a politically correct standpoint, but he nearly said that homosexuals and so forth didn't belong in church. I don't know how much of the rhetoric was heat-of-the-moment emotion and how much was premeditated, but it certainly got my attention.

Once the service was over we adjourned to their fellowship hall for a cookout. I had two invitations to sit at two different tables, and two people offered to pay for my lunch (one did). It was the same mix of hamburgers and hotdogs as well as the typical 4th of July church potluck desert type of thing. From the conversations it is abundantly clear that this church is quite conservative, that there is no great love of how things are currently being done in Washington, but a good sense of family and an almost unquestioning support of the military.

All in all it was a good Sunday. I got more information, a free lunch, and found a group of people that mesh with my social and economic leanings pretty well. But I've got a lot of thinking left to do before I decide if to commit or not.

Right Place + Right Time = Good Time!

Tonight was the first of two planned events this weekend--the young adult get together at the Kawamotos' house. It's been a nutso weather week all week, and it rained again this afternoon and evening. I called to see what time the do started, and the word came back 4:30 if you wanted to swim and 5:30 otherwise. I didn't want to swim, but I did want to see who would, so I figured to show up sometime between the two start times.

Well, it rained, so nobody showed up to swim, and I was the first to show up. Guess that's a party foul on me. It turned out to be a good thing, though, because I get to talk to Darren, Al and Kathleen Kawamoto's son. He's a shooter and gun collector in the same vein as me, so we spent the first hour or so talking guns, ammo, and collections. Some others started showing up closer to 5:30, but Darren and I were pretty oblivious to them.

I finally had to break off and start talking with the others. All in all about fourteen people ended up coming. Working from memory, they were: Pat, a 2ndish year college student going to University of California San Diego, Pat's brother Em who is just out of highschool, Lauren who is out of high school and moving to Maine in about three-ish weeks, A. J., a student at Southwestern Theological Seminary, Michael, a high schooler and Lauren's brother (I think), Brian, also just out of high school, Doug and Dedra, a married couple who still go to the singles group, Ashley, who I didn't find out a lot about, and Michael (different from the first), apparently Ashley's boyfriend.

Al cooked hamburgers and hotdogs. I had my first hamburger in seven months. It didn't disappoint. I sat at a table with Pat, Brian, Lauren, Michael 1, and A. J. I carried the conversation for about half the time. I'm afraid it came off as five interviews. I'd ask questions, get a conversation going, and at some point shift over to another person. Eventually I ran dry of things to talk about, and the interview got shifted to me (after an awkward pause). They were all good conversations all around.

I liked talking with Pat best. She had the most mature conversation of anyone I talked with at the table, and she was in an interesting major. No sparks really flew--it was just a conversation, and it was clear that she had ambitions of staying in California for awhile.

After we all finished eating we ended up playing a game called Pente. I'll skip the rules for brevity's sake and just say that it's a strategy game that gets more complicated as the number of players increase. I was at a table with Bryan, Michael 1, Pat, Ashley, and Lauren. I won one round and made a few points, so I was satisfied I didn't completely bomb out. Ashley is really the outgoing type--always wanting things to move fast and interjecting random but related comments. Hyper isn't quite the right adjective, but maybe one below that. At the end of three games we all had had enough, and the party broke up.

I didn't get to leave right away. Bryan decided he wanted to leave ahead of me, but because my truck was blocking the driveway, he decided to go around. Unfortunately, he pulled into a grassy area that, due to the rains of this week, was as soggy as it could be. His minivan got stuck, and we had to figure out how to get him out. We discussed it and tried a few things, but ultimately we attached a two rope to my truck, and I pulled him out.

This is one of those nights that was just really good all the way around. Everyone was really nice. The conversation and food were both excellent. I met a fellow gun nut, and the Lord put me in the right place to help out a brother. It'll be interesting to see how the second half of this goes tomorrow.

A Long Week, But A Strong Finish

This week started out with a whimper. Monday I was feeling pretty bad and run down, but I recovered enough to present to our customer on Tuesday. Wednesday I made a little progress, but today I finished two things. I finished coding the particular subsystem I'm responsible for at work, and I finished my application for divinity school.

The whole package is sitting right in front of me on my desk. It has my application, reference letters, entrance essay, application fee, and various other paperwork floating around in the envelope. I would mail it, but the due date was moved to tomorrow, so I'll drop it off in person tomorrow morning.

There's just one more day left this week, then we hit a long weekend, a short work week for my company, and another long weekend. God knows I can use it. Tomorrow I get to start testing, and as any programmer will tell you, it's never pretty the first time a new piece of code is written. But I will have it all done by the deadline, and hopefully I can kick back and put together a couple more coherent thoughts rather than these little updates.