Mini-Vacations

I've kinda disappeared for the last few weeks, but I've been anything but idle. Three weeks ago work was an unqualified disaster in my life, and I was just coasting along. My life consisted of going to work, going home, sometimes church on Sunday, and nearly every weekend going to Roanoke to hang out with Herman and Jen.

I love hanging with H and J. We've become family, the three of us. I feel like we can all trust each other implicitly and without question. Every time I go up to their house, it's like I get to leave behind my life and be part of my family. I've helped them paint their house, transport stuff from stores to their house for some of their projects, helped them put in a flower bed, even went with them to court to lend my support as they have been trying to gain custody of H's kids.

Going up there lets me escape and disregard the responsibilities of everyday living. I don't have to deal with my cats or my yard, or bills, or anything, really. I just get to be around people that I love and love me. They want to be around me and I with them. I guess another way to say it is: when I'm with H and J, I'm not lonely.

Well, almost not lonely. Sometimes I feel the loneliest when I'm around them. H and J have a great relationship! It's something that I want badly. I thought Monica and I would have that kind of relationship, but Monica never wanted that kind of situation. I finally realized that I was merely an accessory to her life--immediately replaceable and meant to be customizable. She didn't want me; she wanted her ex-fiance. And she definitely didn't want what H and J have. She told me that once, and I dismissed it as something she was afraid of at that time. She might be, and she might get it eventually, but she definitely didn't want it with me.

I want that kind of relationship, and when I'm around H and J, sometimes it puts a magnifying glass on that part of my life that is currently empty. In fact last weekend I became a little quieter than normal. Herman asked me what was wrong. Nothing, I replied. I was just reminiscing about Monica. Did I miss her, he asked? No, I said, I missed having someone who wanted me, who wanted to be around me, who was happy when I came around. Bro, he said, that's entirely normal, and it's definitely a great feeling. He's right, but I'm not desperate enough to put myself in a position where I can't be myself again.

It's when I leave Roanoke and reenter my normal life that I really feel down. It means that I have to go back and fulfill my responsibilities, take care of my cats, my bills, my house, and think about work all over again. But, more than that, I go back to being alone. That, combined with a tenuous workplace situation and an even more tenuous financial situation, makes it virtually impossible for me to comfortably (read, with a clear conscience) look for my significant other. Why can't it be easy???